my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
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I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
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I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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