just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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