What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
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my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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