I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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