mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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