If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
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