Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
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The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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