awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
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i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
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Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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