You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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