My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize