Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
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I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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