We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize