I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize