dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize