I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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