I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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