Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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