ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
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Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
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How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
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