is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
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She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
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I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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