When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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