You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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