I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
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and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
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He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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