someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
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My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
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Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
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