i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize