My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
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Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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