You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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