What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
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...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
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We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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