What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
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I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
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Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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