I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
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He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
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Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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