So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
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It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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