i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
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How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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