The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
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Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
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They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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