Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
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I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
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smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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