i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
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i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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