my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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