he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
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