I wish my penis had an off switch
People in love make me want to vomit
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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