I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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