I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
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So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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