I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
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using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
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She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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