you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
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We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
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i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Oh god it's open bar.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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