woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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