The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize