True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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