I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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