She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
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if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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