Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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