This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
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Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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