The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
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I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
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It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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