did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
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Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
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It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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